SHEER KOTH GOES HOMEEverybody deserves a vacation, and Ajax wants to take just that. He decides to go home to Saskatchewan with his new girlfriend, Yuki, so she can meet his parents, but trouble is on the horizon when his old girlfriend, Pandora, tags along on the trip. With his mother firmly in the corner of his ex-girlfriend, can Ajax keep the peace for just one weekend?
_____ It’s morning in the House of Koth, as Pandora is sitting on the loveseat, reading a book.) Pandora: This loveseat is just so comfy. I am glad so we got rid of that old, uncomfy Couch. That damn couch tried to feel me up whenever I tried to sit on it! (shakes fist.) Hmm…I wonder where the rest of the idiots are. It’s 10 AM, you’d think ONE of them would be up already. All four of us decided we’d spend some time together for the first time since the summer! With our confusing work schedules, it’s been hard. I can’t wait! (Just then, Mercury walks by, holding a suitcase, dressed like Hawaiian Howie.) Pandora: (excited.) Mercury!!!!! Mercury: Oh. Hahaha. Hi Pandora. Pandora: You look…different. Mercury: Oh yeah! You see, funniest thing…Megumi and the rest of the Fallen Dragons took a trip to Hawaii, but now Megumi accidentally angered the Hawaiian goddess of the volcano, and I am the only one who can save her! So, unfortunately, I can’t spend time with you this weekend. I am sorry, but Megumi being trapped in that volcano and all worries me, so I must do my duty as a good boyfriend! You can’t keep the volcano god waiting! At this rate, if I wait any longer, Hawaii will be destroyed by volcanic ash! Can’t talk now! Aloha! (Before Pandora can say anything, he rushes out the door.) Pandora: He…I…The hell?!? Well, at least, Ajax and Ron will be around. It’s the weekend…they have nothing better to do. (Just then, Ron Chafford sneaks downstairs.) Chafford: (surprised.) Oh! Pandora! You’re…awake early today! You look great! You see, I…uh…well…funniest thing…my bro Nace was drinking a Mountain Dew Livewire when DDH walked up and kicked him in the balls. It was apparently pretty bad, and, well, I have to go, I’ll be back some time Monday! Later! (He also leaves quickly.) Pandora: Ooooookay! It’s like I am getting this strange vibe that they don’t want to spend time with me. I just can’t see why. I am an engaging, interesting, and beautiful girl. Pfft, but they’d rather spend Nace and that Jap slut. Their loss! I am not letting Ajax slip through MY fingers. Oh no! He’s going to suffer! (Just then, Ajax comes down the stairs in carrying skis and is dressed like a skier.) Ajax: Pandora! Fancy seeing you here! Look, I am going to Saskatchewan to spend the weekend checking out some hot, Asian snow bunnies with Will, Cho, and Yuki. See you Monday! (He goes to leaves, but Pandora pulls him back.) Pandora: But Ajax, I’ll be here all by myself! I can’t let you go to a place like Saskatchewan alone. I know, I’ll go with you and be your hot, Asian snow bunny! Ajax: Uh…no. That’s okay. I’ll be fine. I’ll just check out those hot women on the slopes, and I’ll be thinking of you. Wishing, deep in my heart that could be there, but knowing that it was not to be. I am sure I won’t enjoy it, but, I’m a trooper. (sheds a tear.) Dammit! I’ll be checking out those hot skiers with pride! Anyway, see you Monday! (He leaves quickly.) Pandora: @#%$! (Pandora sits back on the loveseat, frustrated, and reading a book. Just then, she hears a knock on the door. She answers it. It’s Will.) Pandora: Will! Will: Um…like…hi. Pandora: Ajax left a minutes ago. You just missed him. Will: Oh well. I wanted to tell him that Cho and I aren’t going. Pandora: Really? Why not? Will: Well, you see, we were just about to go, when Cho had an emergency. Pandora: (shocked.) Really? What happened? Will: There was a waffle convention in town! She just had to go. It was a matter of life and waffles. I just couldn’t compete. Ah well. I don’t know what I’ll do with these plane tickets now. I was looking forward to skiing, too. (pouts.) Pandora: (excited.) One moment. (In an almost cartoon like fashion, Pandora rushes upstairs, and returns a half second later, dressed like a skier.) Pandora: Let’s go! Will: How did you get dressed fast? Pandora: Tearaway pyjamas. Anyway, I have always wanted to go skiing, but none of those idiots would ever take me! I had to sign with CPW just to go to Hawaii! Well, I am sure the plane is running late, so let’s go! (A few hours later, it’s Saskatchewan! At least the airport. That lovely place in the great, white north that no one can spell, but that’s besides the point because, to Ajax and Pandora, it’s home…even if they don’t like it.) Ajax: I hate this place. Yuki: Why’s that, dear? Ajax: There’s almost nothing to do here! It’s so dull that birds die of boredom if they fly here too long. And then there’s that other thing! Yuki: What other thing? Ajax: I’ll tell you later, it’s kind of hard to explain. Let’s just say that the people of this town are nuts. They’re whacked in the head! Delusional, crazy people, and their crazy ass beliefs! But, hey, I’m an optimist. This time I’ll show them! And, hey, no matter how boring this town is, no matter how crazy the people here are, I am STILL thousands of miles away from… Pandora: Ajax! (runs up and hugs him.) Ajax: (thinks.) Dammit! (to Pandora.) Pandora! What the hell are you doing here? Pandora: Well, I felt bad when I heard how sad you would be if I wasn’t coming. And, when Will had that extra ticket because of Cho going to that waffle convention, I just had to come! Ajax: Bitch. Pandora: It’s my pleasure, really. Ajax: And Will…what the heck, man?!? We decided this whole trip to get AWAY from Pandora, not get closer to her! Pandora: I love you, too, Ajax! Ajax: I don’t see why you’re so happy, Pandora. You do realize we are back in Saskatchewan, right? Pandora: I really don’t see why you hate Saskatchewan so much. I mean, I can’t spell it either. Ajax: It’s not that. It’s that other thing. You know…THAT thing. Pandora: Come on, Ajax! There’s nothing wrong with the NDP party. They’re democratic socialist and proud, dammit! Just because they won’t get a chance to be Prime Minister, doesn’t mean they’re bad people. They’re just like every other party in Canada not named the Liberals. 5 party system, my ass! Ajax: It’s not that either, and you know I am a proud member of the Quebec Separatist party. Just because they’re French and their political ideology is idiotic doesn’t mean we shouldn’t support them in their time of need. It’s not like they tried to run Howdy Doody as a candidate for Prime Minister. Like I’d vote for a guy named Stockwell. But, hey, he couldn’t be any worse than what they have down south. Anyway, back to the matter at hand… Pandora: It’s been YEARS, Ajax. I am sure it will be fine now. You’re just being paranoid. Ajax: I guess you’re right. I’m probably wrong to think that. Anyway, let’s stop at my parents’ house. I am sure they’re wanting to see me. Yuki: Oh, and me too! I heard they are excited to meet your new girlfriend. (looks at Pandora.) Me! Well, come on, Ajax, let’s go! (They go forward in the airport, as Will wonders what’s up.) Will: I don’t follow Canadian politics. What the hell were you talking about? Pandora: Oh, come on, Will, you’re an average Canadian. It’s nothing you’d understand! (They go to their rental car, and a few minutes later, they show up at Ajax’s parents house. Ajax rings on the doorbell, and a middle aged women who looks like a Portuguese hippy shows up at the door.) Woman: Ajax! Ajax: Mom! Ajax’s mom: Now, where’s your… (Just then, Pandora shows up behind Ajax.) Ajax’s mom: (in thick accent.) Pandora! I knew it! You two are back together! You were always the modest type. What a nice surprise! (looks at Pandora’s finger, looking very displeased.) Ajax! Pandora is a fine woman, who is just right for you! Women like that don’t come along everyday! WHY HAVEN’T YOU PROPOSED?!? I want grandchildren, mister! Ajax: I…well…you know… Yuki: Hi, Ajax’s mom! (in a sassy tone.) I’m Yuki…his girlfriend! (happily.) Come on, Ajax! Let’s go inside! (Yuki walks in, as Ajax’s mom looks displeased, and slaps Ajax on the back of the head.) Ajax: What? Ajax’s mom: You idiot man! How dare you dump sweet, loving Pandora for that harlot! You won’t find happiness with her! Women like her use men! Now my tarot cards said that you and Pandora would find happiness together! Now, hop to it, and propose already! Ajax: But ma… Ajax’s mom: You’re impossible, Ajax! (stomps into the kitchen.) (Just then a balding male, dressed in a wife beater and boxers talks to Ajax.) Ajax’s dad: Son! Don’t listen to your mother! That Yuki’s one fine piece of ass! They didn’t have pieces of ass like that in my day…that’s why I married your mother. Don’t let your mother trick you…hit that. Hit it hard, son! Marrying Pandora will only bring you a life of pain and sorrow…like how I am with your mother. Make me proud, son! Don’t do like your brothers. They married ugly heifers! Who marries a heifer, son? I thought your Asian fetish was a little weird, but now, you’re this family’s only hope! Save us from a future of having only ugly, fat relatives! Ajax: Sure, dad, I’ll try! (Meanwhile, in the kitchen…) Yuki: So, mom, tell me about you son, Ajax! For some reason, he doesn’t talk much about his time here! I’d love to hear it! Ajax’s mom: I’m not telling you anything! You’re ruining fate! You’re not meant for Ajax! But, Pandora…my little future daughter-in-law…(hugs Pandora.) Pandora: Um…really Mrs. Fortune…it’s okay, really. I don’t deserve such praise such as being your future daughter-in-law. It’s okay, really. Yuki: (thinking.) So, that bitch has the mother on her side! I’ll show her! (smiling.) Mrs. Fortune. I can cook really well, you know! Why at my house, I was an expert Szechuan chef! Ajax’s mom: Saskatchewan?!? Look, deary, we don’t eat Saskatchewan food in this house! Come on, Pandora, let me show you how to make Ajax’s favourite dish, some Arroz De Polvo! Octopus rice! Pandora: Yes ma’am! (Yuki’s steamed in the background, as Will enters the kitchen.) Will: Yuki! What’s wrong? Yuki: Look at ‘em! They’re taunting me! (shakes fist.) Will: They appear to be cooking octopus, ma’am! Yuki: Look at them! They’re cooking and I’m not! Will: So? Yuki: She’s showing Pandora how to cook Portuguese, and she’s not showing me! How am I supposed to impress my man if I can’t cook Portuguese? Will: Cook Chinese? Yuki: It’s just not the same! (pouts.) Will: Well, you know, Ajax, he likes eating Chinese…in more ways than one. Yuki: Besides, she’ll have the advantage over me! She can cook Portuguese, and I can’t! It’s not fair! I’m the girlfriend! She’s the ex! I should be cooking with Ajax’s mother, not her! Ajax: Pandora’s cooking? Should I be fireproofing the house? Pandora: Hey! I’m not that bad of a cook! Ajax: Oh yeah! I forgot! You undercook food not overcook it. I guess I better take a few Rolaids and hope I don’t get food poisoning. Mother always said never marry a girl who can screw up macaroni and cheese. OH NO! That line doesn’t work here! Ajax’s mom: Ajax! There will be no swearing in my house, son! And, don’t worry, I’ll teach Pandora how to cook. Anything to get you two together faster. Pandora: No, really, it’s alright! I can marry someone else… Ajax’s mom: No! No! No! No man will treat you like my Ajax does! Don’t be foolish and marry the wrong man! You’ll regret it! I was in love once. He was a wonderful, handsome, forward thinking man. He was going to go places in this world! I was happy. I knew I could make him the happiest man on earth…then he went to the US, and I met your father, Ajax. And he ended up with some infertile woman, and ended up adopting you, Pandora. Now, he lives happily in the US, and I am stuck in Saskatchewan! Don’t make the same mistake that I did, Pandora! Ajax: Anyway, ma. We’re going skiing tomorrow. We’ll be sure to have a great time. Ajax’s mom: Ah yes. With you here for the weekend, I’ll have to head to the market. . Would you like to go with me, Pandora? Pandora: No, really, grocery shopping’s not my thing. It’s okay. Yuki: I’ll go with you, Mrs. Fortune! Ajax’s mom: I wasn’t inviting YOU! I was inviting Pandora! (Yuki stomps off angrily, as Ajax follows.) Ajax: What’s wrong, Yuki? Yuki: THAT WOMAN! She just can’t accept that I’m your girlfriend! Me! Not Pandora! (stomps up and down.) Me! Me! Me! Me! Ajax: She’ll warm up to you…eventually. She’s just convinced that Pandora and I are perfect for one another! I know! I’ll take you shopping at the local mall. You love shopping! Yuki: I don’t want to go shopping! I want to go grocery shopping! Ajax: But you hate grocery shopping… Yuki: It’s the principle of the thing! I want to win your mother’s approval! And if Pandora goes grocery shopping with YOUR mother, and your mother is calling Pandora her future daughter-in-law, THAT MEANS I AM NOT WINNING HER APPROVAL!!!! (cries.) Ajax: Now, now, Yuki. It’s okay. It’ll work out. Hey! I know! We’ll all just go shopping together! Yuki: Yeah! That’s a great idea! I’ll win her over with my superior knowledge of meats and vegetables! You’re a genius, Ajax! (kisses him.) Ajax: That’s why I wear the sunglasses. (puts on sunglasses and smiles.) (Yuki skips away happily.) Ajax: The things I do for some people. My mother prefers Pandora. So what? You don’t have to make a federal case out of it! Women! (Will enters.) Will: Ajax, dude! Save us! She wants us to eat octopus! You have to intervene! Ajax: Well, alright… (Ajax and Will go to the kitchen.) Ajax: Mother, I have to object. I hate octopus. I much prefer Szechuan food… Ajax’s mom: (angered.) WHAT HAS THAT WOMEN DONE TO YOU?!? Making you eating Saskatchewan food?!? Pandora! You have to save him from this evil Saskatchewan influence! Do it for his good, girl! Ajax: This is going to be a LONG night… (That night, after a long evening, Ajax is last person awake. He decides to sit on the couch and watch TV.) Ajax: What a night! I hate octopus. At least tomorrow will be a better day. I’ll get to go skiing and see all those ski bunnies. Oh yeah. (cabbage patches.) (Just then, Pandora exits from her room.) Pandora: (yawns.) Hi Ajax! What are you still doing awake? Ajax: I had a bad night. I can’t sleep. Pandora: Me too. I hate how everyone in this town thinks we are some perfect couple or something. How stupid! Ajax: Yeah, really. Why does everyone believe that? We argue constantly. We always try to one up each other. I am lazy, you’re bitchy. Why anyone thinks we’d make an ideal couple is beyond me? (clicks on the tv.) Reporter: In other news, odd happenings today as a waffle convention, as a fight broke out over the last raspberry waffle. As a girl tried to grab the waffle, a fat women came up to her, and screamed, “Leggo of my Eggo, bitch!” and smacked her over the head with a toaster. The other women then screamed out “Runion!” and the two were going at it in a cat fight. Many waffles were destroyed in the skirmish, and one bystander was quoted as saying, “I can’t believe this! How dare they desecrate such a sacred ground like a waffle convention like this?!? The Diva’s not pleased!” as she sucked down on about 6 waffles with whipped cream, oreos, and other toppings, as she sucked down on a diet cola. Purely amazing. Ajax: Damn Lethal Lisa! Pandora: Gee, I thought it was Cho… Ajax: Come on, Pandora! She’s your best friend. You should know her better than that. Pandora: I am going back to bed. Good night. (The next morning.) Ajax: AHHHH! It’s…10 AM! Damn! I overslept! (Just then, both Pandora and Yuki run to him.) Both: (worried.) Ajax! Ajax: What’s wrong? Yuki: We’re snowed in! Pandora: And your parents are gone! Both: This sucks! Ajax: What the…?!? Darn freak Canadian snowstorms! (shakes fist.) Yuki: What will we do, Ajax? Pandora: Yeah, Ajax! You’re the smart one, what should we do? Ajax: Well, I don’t know. Give me a second to wake up. Yuki: Need any help, Ajax, dear? Pandora: Yeah…would you like some breakfast? Yuki: Who do you think you are? I’m his girlfriend, and I will make him breakfast. I can make you some eggs, honeydew! Pandora: Excuse me!?! I can make Ajax breakfast any time I want! I don’t need YOU in my way, telling me what I can and can’t do! I’ll make you some nice sausages, and an omelette! You love omelettes! I’ll also get you some orange juice! (Ajax just sits back with a stunned and confused look on his face.) Yuki: Bitch! You aren’t feeding my boyfriend orange juice from concentrate! I’ll get you some orange juice, Ajax! Fresh squeezed! Pandora: Yeah. Like Ajax would trust YOU to touch his orange juice! I’ll be watching you, girl! (They rush into the kitchen, and start cooking.) Ajax: Will…what the hell was that all about? Will: I don’t know. Pandora had some dream last night where you and her were married, and she was so happy that she has now decided she is going to win your heart… Ajax: By cooking? Shouldn’t she have bought me a greeting card or something? Will: Well…Yuki’s pissed, and rightfully so. She’s not gonna let Pandora steal her man! They have been inseparable all morning. Ajax: @#%$ great! We’re snowed in with two crazy chicks who want me. Will: I don’t see the problem. Pandora’s hot. Yuki’s hot. What’s the problem? Ajax: Just look at them! They are cooking themselves into a frenzy over there. Pandora: He prefers cheddar! Yuki: No! He’s MY boyfriend, and he likes Monterrey Jack! Pandora: F off, girlfriend! (snaps.) I have known him a lot longer than you. He likes cheddar. Also, he prefers wheat bread for his toast, and margarine not butter. Yuki: You don’t tell me what my boyfriend likes and doesn’t like. He wants white bread and butter! Pandora: Girlfriend, if you want to get Ajax in the sack, then you’ll listen to me! Yuki: I don’t want to get him in the sack! Pandora: Oh please… Will: Oh my… Ajax: We’d better keep the sharp knives away from them… Will: (shows the knives in his pocket.) Way ahead of you… (Pandora and Yuki enter.) Pandora: Ajax, we’re having a bit of a disagreement. Yuki: Yeah. We can’t decide what kind of bread you want, and butter or margarine. Ajax: Um…white bread with margarine, please! Yuki: You see, YOU were wrong! Pandora: Me? You were wrong too, you know! Some girlfriend you are. Yuki: What did you say?!? (An hour later…Ajax is seen eating cereal.) Ajax: Um…thanks for the cereal, girls. Frootie Shapes was quite tasty. Yuki: We’re sorry! Pandora: Yeah. We wanted to make you a balance breakfast! It just didn’t turn out right. Yuki: Yeah. I didn’t think the eggs would burn like that… Pandora: I guess I should have set the toaster on low… Ajax: No, really, the cereal was great. I’m a low maintenance kind of guy anyway. Yuki: We’ll make it up to you! Pandora: Yeah! We’ll make you lunch! Yuki: Yeah! You’ll love it! (They go back into the kitchen.) Ajax: Oh no! Will: Come on, man! Why so negative? It’s hard to screw up a sandwich! Ajax: You haven’t met Pandora and Yuki yet, have you? If there are two women on this entire planet who could @#%$ up a sandwich, it’s those two. Pandora: He prefers mayo! Yuki: He wants mustard! Pandora: Mayo! Yuki: Mustard! Pandora: Mayo! Yuki: Mustard! Pandora: Mayo! Yuki: Mustard! (One hour later…) Pandora: (covered in mustard and various other condiments.) We’re so sorry, Ajax! We didn’t we could manage to screw it up that bad! Yuki: (covered in mayo and various other condiments.) How was I know that there was a difference between honey mustard and Dijon mustard? I never knew Dijon mustard was spicy! Pandora: I thought ketchup and mayo would go well together! Yuki: And how was I supposed to know that was leftover octopus? I thought it was bologna. Ajax: It’s good. Right Will? (Will gives a cheesy thumbs up.) Pandora: So, what would like for dinner, Ajax? Yuki: Yeah. We’ll make you anything! Ajax: No, no! That’s fine! Yuki: Are you sure, Ajax? Pandora: Yeah. We’re concerned! Ajax: No, no, no! That’s fine! Will: Yeah. We’ll deal! (Will grabs a Scrabble box.) Will: Let’s play Scrabble! Ajax: Scrabble? Cool! I schooled the Couch in this game so much he quit playing with me. Wuss. Yuki: Oh Ajax, you’re just so smart, will you be my partner? Pandora: But Ajax, you know we could kick ass at Scrabble. Remember all those times we used to play the game in high school? We never lost! I think we should reform the team. Yuki: That’s not fair! Will and I are novices! We’d get crushed! Pandora: Exactly. Ajax, we’re partners! Yuki: No! He’s mine! (They start tugging on his shoulders.) Ajax: Now, now, let’s rotate partners! Both: Oh, Ajax, you’re so wise! (Hours later…) Pandora: (yawn.) I’m tired! I think I’ll go into my room and relax. Hey Ajax! If you want, you could join me in there, maybe we could talk or something. Yuki: (stretching.) I’m tired, too! And Ajax, I’d love to spend the evening with my loving boyfriend. I wouldn’t want you sleeping on that nasty couch again… (They both get up and go into their rooms, giving each other evil glances all along the way.) Will: Well, now what? Who do you choose? Ajax: Neither. I am not brave enough to deal with that. I am sleeping on the couch! Let’s watch some tv though! (They turn it on.) Reporter: Weird things are happening right now in Hawaii… (Cuts to a scene in front of a volcano with Mercury in a Hawaii shirt playing a ukulele, Kentaro on bongo drums, and Jiggy and a bunch of dancing girls, dancing around Hawaiian style, while Mercury and Kentaro chant.) Ajax: What the…?!? Reporter: It appears they are doing some sort of ritual to help free their friend from the volcano goddess! Will: Now, I have seen everything… Ajax: Change it! Announcer: Welcome to STW Inferno! Tonight…in a six way match…(click.) Howie: Welcome to CPW Hawaii! Both: (Marks out.) Will: Don’t you work for STW? Ajax: Well…yeah, but I’ll admit that I don’t watch it all the time. It’s no CPW. Don’t tell anyone, but I have even changed the channel to Frontline a few times in the past. Let’s face it, watching Sara Ricci and Callestra Casanova wrestle is much more interesting than the STW Lightweight tag division. Will: Well, I’d rather watch hot chicks than cruiser dudes too. Ajax: Dude, does it feel uncomfortable to watch two chicks we know roll around in thongs? Will: Not really. You just gotta admit it, Ajax, watching Pandora in a thong, in some small way, makes you happy. Ajax: Well, yeah, she’s got a nice ass. (covers mouth.) Dammit! Well, what about Cho? Will: It’s not like I wanna see that! But, hey, she can make damn fine waffles, so it’s all good. Ajax: Waffles rule! (The next morning…) Ajax: Huh? What? Will: Where did all the snow go? Pandora: Come on, you guys! We’re going shopping, then we’re going skiing! Will: Dude, did you dream what I dreamt? Ajax: About Pandora and Yuki wanting me. Yeah. I dreamt it. Will: Me too! Ajax: Well, let’s go… Will: Yeah. Yuki: Do you think they’ll realize that yesterday never happened? Pandora: I hope not! How embarrassing. I don’t know what got into me! Yuki: I get my Ajax back and you get your sanity back. It works out perfectly. Pandora: (sounding unsure.) Yeah…Perfectly… THE END |